C.o.S.y.C

I am starting to wonder if the beginning of the end of the world is upon us? From Katrina, to the endless earthquakes in the middle east, etc.. All I hear about on the news, internet and other media is about death by nature. I thought that it was bad enough to hear about the endless war on ourselves, but now this. I don’t even know what to think. I know I am scared that is for sure. We are all afraid of what we have NO CONTROL OVER! Mother nature is a beautiful thing. She is also a powerful, unpredictable, unforgiving BITCH that can take out anyone and anything at anytime! We are at her mercy everyday of our lives.

Sometimes I think it is just a way of population control on “her” part. As we continue to use and abuse our planet, “she” takes a little here and a little there to make sure that we don’t over do it. Might be a little too late but better late than never. We can all thank the immigrants and Chinese for that. Who are the ones getting there asses handed to them, eh um? See what I mean? There are also other things like global warming that play a great role in what is happening too. Just take a look at the discovery channel or the history channel when you get a few seconds in your day. I can’t seem to channel surf anymore without one of those channels showing me yet another example of how the world is going to end. I wonder what it is like to get paid to put people into a constant state of fear for the rest of their life? I being one of them.

Then there is the religious side of things. Those who think this is “Revelations”, and that GOD and the bible said this would happen. I think anyone can predict that the world will end. I mean it IS inevitable, isn’t it? However, to talk about it nonstop, over and over and over again is a little much. I want to live life, not be in constant fear of death. This is why I am writing in my journal. It keeps me sane, so far, when I need it most. When I find myself at a point where I am unsure or afraid, I just let it out in words. I am finding that I don’t have that many people in the world that I can depend on for support. So I have chosen this route. If you haven’t tried it, you should.

I can’t stand all the hate, terror, natural disasters etc. I want a world that we can be proud of not in constant panic…. How about you??

“Hurry up and wait!” That is what life is all about. A nonstop waiting game if you so choose to play. For example, you file for unemployment, fill out a job application, voting results, to get over a sickness, etc. All about waiting to get results. In some cases you can choose an alternate route that you may find gets you to the place you want to be or answer you want to get, a little faster. In most cases though, cutting corners only makes things take longer. I personally get very fussy and impatient when it gets to be too long. Or if I know something is going to happen like a vacation, package in the mail, and so on. It becomes like Christmas for me and I honestly lose sleep over it sometimes. I am beginning to understand why it is nearly impossible for a child to wait. When in the waiting room, making dinner, driving in the car, when 15 minutes to us isn’t all that long, it is an eternity to children. It often makes me take the time to slow down and take life with a grain of salt.

Although having to wait on life is often a hassle and inconvenience, we need not take advantage nor forget that we only have 1 life and should live it to it’s fullest each and every day. Each day is a blessing and to quote a favorite movie of my kids, Kung Fu Panda ( great movie ) ”Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that is why it is called the Present!”  So waiting is life, there is no way around it. Finding ways to enjoy life while doing so is the real challenge. When in traffic and you just want to get home, breathe and enjoy that breath of fresh air. When waiting in line at the super market, look around and feel fortunate that you have the resources to be able to stand in line.

So in closing I would like to say this. When you get home to the ones you love, hug them. Love them to the fullest and never stop. Tell them everyday but most important SHOW THEM! Words are words, but actions speak much louder and are much more effective. Be proud of who you are and never forget. Live life, don’t let it live you. Or as I have said for a long time and do this within reason of course. “Live life, do whatever you want!”

I officially feel like death is calling my name. This “flu” is kicking my ass and getting worse by the day. I am taking multivitamins, airborne, Tylenol cold : severe symptom, and lots of water. Every day it gets worse and I get a new symptom of some sort. Today I wake up with a headache from hell, my chest is all messed up, my throat hurts, I have nasal congestion, and every time  I cough I feel like my head is going to explode. I haven’t felt this bad in years. I hope this gets better before it gets worse but I know that is probably not going to happen. I don’t have the means to go to a doctor so I just might have to tough it out. I am actually scared of the N1H1 Virus. I have been since the first outbreak a few months ago. I have done every thing I can to prevent this from happening but it still came around. I am more afraid for my children than I am for myself. Honestly, I don’t even know if this is indeed the Swine Flu. However, the doctor said that this is the only strain that could be going around because the other hasn’t been “released” yet. I think this is some kind of government virus. I think they all are in most cases. How do we actually have to power to know when something is going to come out such as a virus. Come on! There has to be some kind of connection. I believe it has to do with population control. Whatever. I just want this to go away so that I can move on with my life. This sucks. I really hope that my wife doesn’t get it. We can NOT afford for her to get sick. My jaw hurts too. That is what started first. I thought that I had lock-jaw. It has been two weeks and it still hurts. THen I got this crap and now it is getting worse. I think that it is time for me to go to the hospital when Nina gets back from her class. We’ll see. Wish me luck!

We took the kids yesterday to the doctor because they are all sick. They have “flu like symptoms” said the doctor. They weren’t tested for the N1H1 virus or “swine flu” but were given the drug Tamiflu to treat their illness. Along with others to treat an ear infection and a chest cold. So they are all home sick today and I am not feeling well either. Having four kids sick and being sick at the same time is crappy. They all want me to take care of them and I want someone to take care of me. Or at least just let me sleep it off. That, however, is not going to happen. Nina has to work and pay the bills, and then this weekend she has a class in St. Pete to get her X-ray certification. So I am solo for the most part and it is, and is going to be, hard as all hell to take care of them and myself. As a parent you have to do what you have to do no matter how bad you feel. This is going to be a test of my patience though. I already have a hard time not throwing them out the window. ( That was a joke ) Now, not feeling any better than they do… we will see.

Otherwise, I am just listening to the police scanner online. I love the Colorado feeds. Even though I used to run from the law, I am very fascinated by just listening to what is going on back home.

It has been a little bit since my last entry and I am making some changes for the better in my all around life. Over the weekend the family and I went to the YMCA for the first time and went swimming. Everyone had fun, which is unusual. Most times we go out someone ends up crying or screaming and so on. Not this time though, it was really nice. Nina and I are starting to make some progress. I am practicing some new techniques and recommendations from a blog called “What She Needs From You”, that have been really making a difference. I am learning more about my wife and relationship just be following simple steps. So that is improving things around here. My unemployment is finally in the works since work is out of the question. My claim is going forward ans hopefully things will work out. I hate struggling. My family and I have been through way too much in the past year and can’t take many more hits.

I am currently listening to Country music for two reasons. I am trying to win Sugarland tickets for my wife and it calms me down. For some reason it is soothing in a way. Not full of hate like I usually listen to and not that crap rap that talks about sex, drugs and other bullshit. Speaking of which, KANYE WEST HATES WHITE PEOPLE! What he did to Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards was wrong and uncalled for. I hope you get what is coming to you. Time to grow up Kanye, can’t make an ass out of yourself and treat people badly when you want attention. Should have spent more time with your dead mommy!! Had to get that out, it was eating at me for days…

So I am trying to make better, more positive choices in the next couple of weeks and see what kind of results I get. I am going to stop drinking again for a while because I feel that it is getting out of hand. I have been doing well but I feel myself losing control and that I don’t want. I have been able to stay away from pot for over 3 months now and haven’t replaced it with alcohol like the last time. Stress has been more intense lately and I want to remain in control.

Your life is in your hands, choose wisely!